Mar 24, 2022

paul & i are separating to take space. & i’m in the process of moving out.
it’s been hard. painful. full of grief & loss.
& even though we’re not saying goodbye, we are saying goodbye to this version of us.
with that, i’ve found myself asking what to do with all of the visions of life together. where do they go? what do you do with them? so many plans, so many hopes suddenly changed, with the potential for gone.
as i sat in my reality last week, i found myself pouring tears of immense joy & gratitude.
broken open like nothing but the loss - or pause - of a deep love can do.
the ‘it hurts so good’ piece. the ‘thank you so much for this fucking pain’.
the realization of the necessity of it, & the beauty + gift of its presence has been monumental.
i’m in a huge transition. from maiden to mother. the initiation has begun. & it feels, vulnerable. it’s been alive for the last few months, but illuminated with such clarity right now in these moments.
there’s a deepening & maturation happening. & it’s come from the grief portal i’m snailing my way through.
grief for not getting what i needed
grief from hip surgery in HS
grief for this injury
grief for the changing of my body
grief from lost love
grief for moving fast with him
grief for not choosing myself more
grief for not loving him harder & softer
grief for the parts of me that didn’t know better
grief for needing to be my own mother
grief for not being held
…sometimes, one portal opens them all✨
i’m being stripped of it all
& i’m choosing to strip even more
i said i’d call this moment on my timeline
the Great Softening
at the time, i didn’t know how true that would be
but here we are, in a river of human beauty
i bow to the alter that is this life
i bow to the obstacles that are always the way
i bow to my higher self for knowing what i need
i bow to my past selves for the work i have done to be prepared for this layer of my healing & becoming

oh…what a joy, it truly be



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