i bought my first $ex toy at 21

Nov 04, 2021

i bought my first $ex toy at 21

quietly…while my ex bf was at work

the website i ordered from showed up as an incognito charge + address label

the amount of SHAME i held in this purchase was so big

(no wonder the company i chose ‘protected’ their customers like that..so no one would catch them…goddess forbid๐Ÿ˜น)

i wouldn’t have even known it was shame if you asked me…i would have thought it was ‘just the way it was’

that’s what good, lovable girls do…yah?

i remember in that relationship, i was really only able to have $ex when i drank myself into it

i didn’t know what to do about it…but i also didn’t want to deal with it

i hid that pink jackrabbit๐Ÿฐin the back of my closet, never to be found

i barely used it

but when i did,
i only used it on the outside

i didn’t really like being penetrated…def not from myself

it made me feel dirty, greedy - like whoever really enjoyed that…was ‘that girl’

they were…the ‘others’

now, i am who i am today

enthralled by my work
obsessed with my mission
in love with my clients
filled by my $ex life
in deeeep with partner

all of it

& still…sometimes…

those other thoughts - like being the exiled $ex girl comes in - & i get scared you all ‘other’ me…disapprove of me…reject me…are disgusted by my openness

it’s illogical
& outrageous

&….its real

it’s ancient, actually

deeply embedded in who we are as women

it is almost 2022 & we are still fighting the fight against censorship & $exual liberation

the shame runs deep

& the big guy up top who runs it all is covered in it

if my story sounds familiar…

know there’s nothing wrong w you or your $ex

you are MEANT to be having the experience you’re having right now

…to free yourself

& those before + after you in your lineage

keep opening to Spirit/God through your body

i believe the future of humanity depends on it๐Ÿ’ซ

p.s. TWO VIRTUAL WORKSHOPS this weekend to support you in shedding shame & coming home to your sexuality๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿป

๐„๐ซ๐จ๐ญ๐ข๐œ ๐๐ฅ๐ฎ๐ž๐ฉ๐ซ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐ฌ on 11/7

๐๐ž๐œ๐จ๐ฆ๐ข๐ง๐  ๐˜๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐Ž๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐ž๐ฌ๐ญ ๐‹๐จ๐ฏ๐ž๐ซ w/ voice expert @jessica.sirena on 11/6

ready to play?! dm me for the links ๐Ÿ’›


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