Blue Bikini Series Part 1

(You haven’t heard this version x ending👇🏻)

The hardest thing I ever worked for in my life was this body.

I entered the coaching space 10 years ago @ 19.

I thought I did it because it was ‘𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪’ & I was super passionate about health x fitness.

But deep down, I always knew it was a career built on a shaky sense of worthiness - defined by my external beauty & the ‘success’ the world told me to have - & a strive for absolute perfection.

I was 21 when I got diagnosed with 𝘀𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗴𝘂𝗲 from years of overtraining & extreme dieting.

I thought being raw vegan was the best way to do food. So I stopped listening to my body & followed the instructions.

I healed from that.

But 23, I started competing.

I lost all of my holistic practices & gained the bro diet.

I used PED’s, adderall, & drugs to support myself.

I had no cycle, gut issues, eating disorders & a lot of self hatred.

But I did really well in the industry.

At a v small location on Long Island, I was ranked the top 9th UFC gym personal trainer across the country.

I placed top 3 for all my bikini/figure competitions.

I thought being in the fitness realm was the best way to do movement. So I stopped listening to my body & followed the instructions.

I healed from that.

But when the smoke cleared, I found myself knee deep in trauma.

Sexual trauma, relational trauma & a remembering of big, deep childhood ones.

I did all the talk therapy, books, podcasts, & counseling.

I was consistent & relentless with self practice & personal responsibility.

But nothing seemed to give me the shift I knew was possible.

I was still living my life 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 of my body.

Terrified of intimacy, no relationship to my sexuality or feminine, ugly resentment towards men, & locked up in the chains of what I should // shouldn’t be doing.

While I stood for 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙤𝙢, I truthfully struggled with finding it - consistently, authentically, & healthfully.

I was locked out of my body, with a closed heart & a deep fear of never finding love.

**To be continued**