(You haven’t heard this version x ending👇🏻)
The hardest thing I ever worked for in my life was this body.
I entered the coaching space 10 years ago @ 19.
I thought I did it because it was ‘𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪’ & I was super passionate about health x fitness.
But deep down, I always knew it was a career built on a shaky sense of worthiness - defined by my external beauty & the ‘success’ the world told me to have - & a strive for absolute perfection.
I was 21 when I got diagnosed with 𝘀𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗴𝘂𝗲 from years of overtraining & extreme dieting.
I thought being raw vegan was the best way to do food. So I stopped listening to my body & followed the instructions.
I healed from that.
But 23, I started competing.
I lost all of my holistic practices & gained the bro diet.
I used PED’s, adderall, & drugs to support myself.
I had no cycle, gut issues, eating disorders & a lot of self hatred.
But I did really well in the industry.
At a v small location on Long Island, I was ranked the top 9th UFC gym personal trainer across the country.
I placed top 3 for all my bikini/figure competitions.
I thought being in the fitness realm was the best way to do movement. So I stopped listening to my body & followed the instructions.
I healed from that.
But when the smoke cleared, I found myself knee deep in trauma.
Sexual trauma, relational trauma & a remembering of big, deep childhood ones.
I did all the talk therapy, books, podcasts, & counseling.
I was consistent & relentless with self practice & personal responsibility.
But nothing seemed to give me the shift I knew was possible.
I was still living my life 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 of my body.
Terrified of intimacy, no relationship to my sexuality or feminine, ugly resentment towards men, & locked up in the chains of what I should // shouldn’t be doing.
While I stood for 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙤𝙢, I truthfully struggled with finding it - consistently, authentically, & healthfully.
I was locked out of my body, with a closed heart & a deep fear of never finding love.
**To be continued**